Whatever......

A great and wise writer once said that in order to live life you had to go out there and try it. What he didn't say was that if you lived it, you'd spend the rest of your life regretting it.

What is it about life that seems to slowly drain you of every fighting energy you have? That if you try and go out to achieve something, you end up right back where you started with even bigger problems and more regrets than when you started? Why does it seep and seep through you till you slowly bleed out all hope and any life you had left in you?

Who wants to put themselves out there? What stupid idiot goes out and lives only to get smashed to the ground where you can't ever get back up unless you learn how to completely forget what you just did to put you in the dirt. Or learn from it. With blood, tears and mistakes oozing from your very pores of that black soul, you lay in the mud of guilt and shame; stuck in a world of damnation. Never finding joy.

All for what? Life? Love? Joy?

Who freaken cares?

The world goes numb in your silent world of torture all under the name of "living".

A great and wise writer once said that you never got anywhere unless you went out and took a chance on life........

I say he's a freaken retard.

-Rambler

"some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. life is about not knowing, have to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.......delicious ambiguity."

-gilda radne

I'm Sorry

My best friend got married today.

Technically, she got married about a week ago, but today in my head and heart I accepted it.

My best friend got married today.

I wasn't there.....

I figured it'd be a day of rejoicing, but I wasn't there. One of the most important days of her life and I missed it.

Of course I couldn't afford to make it back to Thailand for the wedding, but it doesn't change facts.

I love being and MK, but not today. Not tonight. My heart aches in a way that makes my chest feel like its going to explode and I cant breathe over the choking sobs that come from a throat raw from crying.

My best friend got married today.

What do you say to that? What are you supposed to feel? How do you react?

I wasn't there.

My memories are against me tonight. Laughter, joy, tears, secrets, hours of late night phone talks, heartaches, trust, challenges, simple delights, city lights, song tows, movies, boys, drama, soul sisters, love.

.

My best friend got married today.

Where was I? When the dating began, the thoughts towards a deeper relationship, during the good and the bad of that relationship, the moments before he proposes, the moment after he proposes, the wedding preparations, the dress......, the day of, watching her walking down the isle, the kiss and then goodbye......where was I?

I wasn't there.

Dear God........what do you say to that? How do you react? What are you supposed to feel?

My puffy eyes protest, but still the tears gush out in torrents. I gasp for breath as the sobs engulf me. I am a failure.

My best friend got married today. Where was I?

Somewhere in a small town named Bedford ignoring the fact that she was saying her vows. In a town not being her best friend.

My best friend got married today and I wasn't there.

I'm sorry.......

-Rambler

Choices.....

"To make a decision.......to make a choice.....affects the outcome of the rest of your life."

-Autumn Morse

Huh.

Scary.....confusing....troubling....discouraging.......because I know I've screwed up and made wrong choices in my life and the affects afterwards are biting me in the butt even as I type....

Hmm....

Petrifying....to look at yourself....at your past.....to reflect on your life. Your hopes and dreams back then and compare them with where you are now. Very few people in life can say they both match up into the present day....

God = Relationship. Commitment. Covenant. Marriage. Fidelity.

Ah....

There is the greatest choice of all. The most important decision of your life. I made the right one, but did I follow through.....

-Have I cherished Christ in sickness and health?

-In the best of times and the worst of times have I loved Him?

-Stayed faithful and true and not broken my promises with my Lord till death does depart me from this world?

-Has He been my one true love whom I owe my fidelity to.....have I stayed true?

No.....

Choices.....such decisions.....

"To make a decision.......to make a choice.....affects the outcome of the rest of your life."

-Autumn Morse

*sobs*

Thank You God For Grace......

-Rambler

Friendship = ?

What is friendship? What does it mean? I looked up some definitions and here are some of the results.

Friendship is a form of interpersonal relationship generally considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees ofintimacy in both friendships and associations. Friendship and association are often thought of as spanning across the same continuum. The study of friendship is included in the fields of sociology, social psychology, anthropology, philosophy, and zoology. Various academic theories of friendship have been proposed, among which are social exchange theory, equity theory, relational dialectics, and attachment styles.

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

Honestly though? Can friendships really be defined? Can words be able to truly describe what goes on between two people living their lives parallel to each other? Some days you hold hands through life, some days you have to watch the other fall, but are right there helping them get up and taking care of them. Some days its just simply walking.....walking right beside them and letting them know you're there for them no matter what.

Have you ever been in a restaurant and you see two people eating and you know they're just friends? A true comradeship? But if you listen long enough or listen closely enough you'll see they're completely opposites and have nothing in common? Or even better, they are the oddest two people you've ever seen together?

Friendships have this way of exceeding boundaries put up by society. It has joined worlds, continents, cultures, families, and so much more by its powerful pull. You can't go through life without it. And yet, it causes such heartbreak, trials, struggles and pain. But then again, never have you ever experienced such joy, laughter, fun, harmony and love. When a friend sticks closer than a brother so to speak. When they love you when no one else will, when they accept you when others see you as strange or different, when they get you without words and when they love you even if you break their hearts. Friendship.....it's so much more than a word, but how can you hope to ever explain its meaning?

What is friendship? Honestly? I really don't know.....because I wouldn't really be able to describe it.

You tell me.

-Rambler

Reflections....

i open my eyes,

and look to the side,

and saw a bird at my window...

i look to the skies,

and wonder why,

i got to where I am.....

I pull my head under,

the covers,

and dream of days gone by....

should I get,

up and then,

pretend that everything is okay.....

i watch the sun,

become,

another day that's ending....

i watch the lights,

the city comes alive,

moving on without me,

should I get up?

i open my eyes,

and look to the skies,

another day has begun......

The Rambling Continues.....

So its been over a year and a half since I last posted....I guess I knew this place had to die for awhile till I could come back.

My life has obviously changed and I've grown. I've faced joy, sorrow, pain, growth, trials, struggles, conquered and won many personal battles and have come out for the better only because of Christ. Life wouldn't be life without change.

Heartache is my constant companion at the moment. The trials set before me were hard, long and have changed me in ways that don't easily mend. The wounds will take time to heal and the memories become less sharp with time. I have God to thank for my responses to the catastrophic changes that I've made in the last couple of months.

Am I better for these hardships? Have I grown and stand taller? Have a learned to lean on Him and Him alone? Yes. But there is yet more to learn, more to grow from and more to still be conquered. This is apart of life. I will take life head on with Christ at my side.

I will begin to unfold this last year with a series of posts, but for now, I wish to say that by God's grace, I am alive and my heart still beats, though faintly, it still beats.

Grace and peace to you from God my Father,

-Rambler