Whatever......

A great and wise writer once said that in order to live life you had to go out there and try it. What he didn't say was that if you lived it, you'd spend the rest of your life regretting it.

What is it about life that seems to slowly drain you of every fighting energy you have? That if you try and go out to achieve something, you end up right back where you started with even bigger problems and more regrets than when you started? Why does it seep and seep through you till you slowly bleed out all hope and any life you had left in you?

Who wants to put themselves out there? What stupid idiot goes out and lives only to get smashed to the ground where you can't ever get back up unless you learn how to completely forget what you just did to put you in the dirt. Or learn from it. With blood, tears and mistakes oozing from your very pores of that black soul, you lay in the mud of guilt and shame; stuck in a world of damnation. Never finding joy.

All for what? Life? Love? Joy?

Who freaken cares?

The world goes numb in your silent world of torture all under the name of "living".

A great and wise writer once said that you never got anywhere unless you went out and took a chance on life........

I say he's a freaken retard.

-Rambler

"some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. life is about not knowing, have to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.......delicious ambiguity."

-gilda radne

I'm Sorry

My best friend got married today.

Technically, she got married about a week ago, but today in my head and heart I accepted it.

My best friend got married today.

I wasn't there.....

I figured it'd be a day of rejoicing, but I wasn't there. One of the most important days of her life and I missed it.

Of course I couldn't afford to make it back to Thailand for the wedding, but it doesn't change facts.

I love being and MK, but not today. Not tonight. My heart aches in a way that makes my chest feel like its going to explode and I cant breathe over the choking sobs that come from a throat raw from crying.

My best friend got married today.

What do you say to that? What are you supposed to feel? How do you react?

I wasn't there.

My memories are against me tonight. Laughter, joy, tears, secrets, hours of late night phone talks, heartaches, trust, challenges, simple delights, city lights, song tows, movies, boys, drama, soul sisters, love.

.

My best friend got married today.

Where was I? When the dating began, the thoughts towards a deeper relationship, during the good and the bad of that relationship, the moments before he proposes, the moment after he proposes, the wedding preparations, the dress......, the day of, watching her walking down the isle, the kiss and then goodbye......where was I?

I wasn't there.

Dear God........what do you say to that? How do you react? What are you supposed to feel?

My puffy eyes protest, but still the tears gush out in torrents. I gasp for breath as the sobs engulf me. I am a failure.

My best friend got married today. Where was I?

Somewhere in a small town named Bedford ignoring the fact that she was saying her vows. In a town not being her best friend.

My best friend got married today and I wasn't there.

I'm sorry.......

-Rambler

Choices.....

"To make a decision.......to make a choice.....affects the outcome of the rest of your life."

-Autumn Morse

Huh.

Scary.....confusing....troubling....discouraging.......because I know I've screwed up and made wrong choices in my life and the affects afterwards are biting me in the butt even as I type....

Hmm....

Petrifying....to look at yourself....at your past.....to reflect on your life. Your hopes and dreams back then and compare them with where you are now. Very few people in life can say they both match up into the present day....

God = Relationship. Commitment. Covenant. Marriage. Fidelity.

Ah....

There is the greatest choice of all. The most important decision of your life. I made the right one, but did I follow through.....

-Have I cherished Christ in sickness and health?

-In the best of times and the worst of times have I loved Him?

-Stayed faithful and true and not broken my promises with my Lord till death does depart me from this world?

-Has He been my one true love whom I owe my fidelity to.....have I stayed true?

No.....

Choices.....such decisions.....

"To make a decision.......to make a choice.....affects the outcome of the rest of your life."

-Autumn Morse

*sobs*

Thank You God For Grace......

-Rambler